Lost and Found

*********************************************************************************************************

It’s happened again. I’ve fallen behind. Ridiculously behind. I visited my wonderful friend, Kristina, in Serbia, my beloved old roomie, Alex, in Germany, volunteered on a farm with a fabulous family in Ireland, and traveled half way around the world back to Minnesota [Surprise! I’m home for those of you who didn’t know!], and yet, I wrote about none of it. Sorry. I’ve been home for over a week, have remained unemployed, rarely left the house, and still haven’t updated the world wide web… Whoops. Remember when I used to have exciting excuses for not writing? Like being on a midnight train to Austria? Or prancing around Eastern Europe with my friend Victoria? These days, I’ve been avoiding writing for much less thrilling and much more depressing reasons – most notably, depression. Reverse culture shock, an overwhelming excess of free time, and the realization that I currently have no excuse to flee American society have brought me down. I’m jazzed about being back with my family and friends, but readjusting is taking some time. Please bare with me and my over dramatic writing. I’m making things out to be much worse than they really are. I’ll settle back in soon enough, I’m sure.

I’ve thought about writing everyday since I’ve been home, but I’ve had a hard time wrapping my head around it. It almost feels like if I write this post, it will officially be over. No more flights. No new countries. Friends scattered. Pictures uploaded. French bank account closed. Calls being directed towards an American phone. My blog is the last bit of the year that remains. I realize how silly it sounds, but that’s where I’m at right now. Instead of letting these things continue to drag me down, though, I decided it was time to write one last post to get my shit together, stop being a whiney pants, process my thoughts, and reflect on the year. I need to stop complaining about it being over, and start smiling because it happened. I also couldn’t just leave my faithful followers (all 16 of you) hanging like that! So here are some lists of things lost, found, learned, etc. to sum things up a bit, because who doesn’t love some youthful half-baked wisdom in list form?

Things realized/learned:

• Paris is the best. Really. I know it’s lame and cliché, but: Paris, je t’aime. Even after visiting Austria, Italy, Poland, The Czech Republic, Hungary, Serbia, Germany and Ireland, each with numerous amazing cities, Paris still remains at the top of my list. No matter how many times I’ve been there, I always find something new to see or do. It has a beauty, a vibrance, and an ambiance that has yet to be matched in my eyes.
• I’m an introvert at heart. Most of you are probably thinking, “Um… duh?” while others might be surprised. It probably depends on how long you’ve known me. My desire to be liked can bring out my sociable side making me seem outgoing and extroverted at first glance, but I’ve realized this year that I’m much more comfortable in small groups. I love interacting with people, but I’m also content spending time alone. Some long talks with Victoria helped me come around to accepting this about myself.
• Everything is bigger in America. I’ve always known this, but everything has been magnified after being away for so long. Cars. Roads. Houses. Food. Washing machines. Water glasses [pointed out by Kate]. People. The size doesn’t really bother me as much as the waste. If you want to indulge every once in awhile, great, but be aware of your consumption. I don’t want to get all preachy and tell everyone off for killing the world, but I’m pretty sick of our consumer-centric society right now.
• Meat is not for me. I broke my four and a half year streak of vegetarianism a handful of times during my travels, but I’ve decided that being meat-free wasn’t just a weird phase I went through in college. It’s something that I want to continue to live by, and I hope to encourage others to join me! It can be a little tricky in certain situations, but I feel both physically and ethically better without mammals in my body.
• Too much free time is just as bad as not having enough. I constantly used to wish for a day off when I was at Olaf, swamped with eight classes a semester, papers, exams, rehearsals, social obligations, etc., etc., but after seven months of 12 (often 7 or 8) hour work weeks and ridiculously long (and frequent) vacations, I long for the opposite. It seems to be a “grass is greener” situation. I want to be busy! Well, I want to be balanced. I work well with a lot on my plate, but not an overflowing buffet of stress. Something to work on.
• Kids are cool. Spending time with Monique’s granddaughter (5 year old Hélena), and the two little ones on the farm in Ireland (4 year old Archer and 1.5 year old Tallulah) made me realize how much I love children. The way they think and act without all of the weird social hang ups that adults have is fantastic. Not that it’s going to happen anywhere in my near future, but hanging out with these kids made me realize that maaaybe one day I’ll want to adopt my own. Maybe.
• How to ask for help. I’ve always been a very proud person, trying to do find my own way or do things without the help of others, but I realized how much easier things can be if you simply ask for directions or a helping hand. People will sometimes surprise you and offer up help even when you don’t ask for it, and it is wonderful! Like the man who saw Victoria and me looking confused in Budapest and quickly ran up to help us find our way. Or the man in Ireland who pulled over and informed me that I was trying to hitch a ride on the wrong road.
• Genuinely good people do exist. I’ve met some. American assistants, couchsurfing hosts, French friends, Irish hitchhiker hosts, just to name a few. I have some faith in humanity.

Things lost:

• Some of my obnoxious inhibitions. Like my fear of talking on the phone. I realize most people got over this when they were six, but it took me a bit longer. After making numerous calls in French this year, talking on the phone in English now seems like such a breeze. I’m even learning to enjoy it. Weird. Explaining how I want my haircut? Did it in French, no problemo. Communication skills are up!
• My yearning for approval. As much as I hate to admit it, for a large part of my life I always sought the approval of those around me, often compromising my thoughts or opinions to remain neutral and liked by everyone. I still try to be diplomatic, but I’m tired of trying to please everyone. It’s exhausting to try and make everyone like you all the time, and quite frankly, there are some people’s opinions that I could care less about. I’m happy with who I am, and my thoughts are just as good as anyone else’s. As Dr. Seuss once said,“Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don’t matter, and those who matter don’t mind.”
• 35 pounds. How this happened, I have absolutely no idea. Ask anyone who was with me, and they will tell you that I was constantly eating my entire body weight in local cuisine and cookies. I guess walking everywhere (including to the grocery store) and not having access to an insane buffet spread everyday will have an effect on your waistline.
• Hair. Some voluntarily via trendy euro haircut, some reluctantly via male pattern baldness. With bad hair genes running rampant on both sides of my family, I’ve been fearing hair loss since I hit puberty so this is by no means a shocking upset. I’ve always cherished my hair as one of my more attractive features, so it’s been rather disheartening to see how thin my bangs have become, but I’m dealing with it and enjoying my hair while it’s still around. Anyone know of any good natural hair loss prevention techniques?
• 15+ kilos of clothing. I realized at the end of the year that I owned way too many things that I just never wore, so I donated the equivalent of an entire suitcase of clothing. My luggage was of course still super heavy, but it felt good to clear out some of the excess. I managed with one 9 kilo backpack from May 5th to June 8th, so what the heck have I been doing with all of this other stuff my whole life? Traveling light is the way to go. I’m continuing the excess purge by donating yet another giant bag of unworn clothes that I found in my bedroom this week.
• A desire to teach. Teaching isn’t really my jam. At least not with French high school kids. I had some good times with my kids, but the fun tended to be a little over shadowed by the anxiety and stress of planning lessons. I haven’t entirely dismissed education as a job option, but it’s not at the top of my career aspirations list.

Things found:

• A voice through writing. I’m not always the best for engaging conversation topics or the most articulate in front of a crowded room, but I think I’m pretty decent with a pen and paper (or a screen and keyboard if you will). Writing gives me time to reflect and plan out my word choice just so to properly express myself. It can be a little meticulous and frustrating at times, but I’m so happy I took the time to write down my thoughts throughout the year. I hope my writing has helped my readers to gain a better understanding of me and the way I think. People seem to dig it, and I dig doing it, so maybe the writing will continue!
• Confidence. See [Lost:] “Some of my inhibitions” and “My yearning for approval” above.
• Friends. This was obviously inevitable, but I didn’t realize how meaningful some of my relationships abroad would end up being to me. The first time I met all of the other assistants at our teacher orientation, I was a total B and thought I would never get along with anyone. I couldn’t have been more wrong. I met some absolutely fabulous people in Saint-Brieuc, and looking back I can’t imagine my year without them.
• Food. I’ve learned some delicious recipes and cooking tips over the past 8 months, and I want to share them with all of you! So come get in the kitchen with me and we’ll make something together! Maybe I’ll even start a food blog. Or become a pastry chef. Thoughts?
• A beard. See: flickr account.
• Frequent flyer miles. Just kidding. If only Ryanair and SNCF had miles programs. And existed in the states. I would be all up on that.
• An immense respect for teachers. I’ve always regarded teaching as a noble profession, but after planning lessons and standing in front of a group of hormonal, self-absorbed, uninterested teenagers, I see teachers in an entirely different light. Good luck to all of my friends who are pursuing k-12 education, and thank you to everyone who put up with my (and mostly my fellow classmates’) teenage antics.
• Myself. See: all of the above. I’m constantly learning more about myself and realizing how much I am always changing, but being away helped me gain a sense of self-awareness that I never had before.

Things I miss about France/Europe:

• Sounds. Sights. Smells. Tastes. Being surrounded by Francophones. Charlie’s meow. Church bells marking the hour. The odd tritone used for emergency vehicle alarms. Market days. Galettes. Café terraces with 1€ espressos. Intricate architecture. Monuments all over the place. Striking landscapes. The sea. Bakeries. The cheese aisle at U Express. Our sunny yellow kitchen. Rainy/sunny/rainy/sunny/rainy days and the rainbows and sunsets they produce. Cheap wine that doesn’t taste like vinegar. Salted butter.
• Fresh baguettes. There is an amazing bakery on every street in France. There is approximately one amazing bakery per State. One of my life goals is to perfect the baking of une baguette de tradition. Once you’ve eaten french bread, there’s no going back.
• Public transport. The facility of navigating European cities puts metro transit to shame. Cars aren’t obligatory like they are stateside, partially because everything is much closer, but mostly because bus, train and metro systems are so much more efficient over seas! Also, I am a terrible driver highly dislike driving, so I’m all about public transport.  It makes so much more sense both economically and ecologically to share rides, but America can’t seem to get behind that. I’ll never understand why not.
• Global mentality and open minds.  In comparison with the French, Americans are incredibly self-centered and close-minded. I’m making a sweeping generalization here, obviously, but on the whole it seems to be true. We rarely focus on world news, and half of us couldn’t tell the difference between Iraq and Iran. Conservative Republicans don’t exist en masse and people are always fighting for change. I have some faith left in the progressive minds of my generation, especially in places like Minnesota, but other parts of the country worry me a bit. As long as Mitt Romney stays out of the white house, I think I’ll be okay.

Things I will be fine without:

• Restrictive hours. While I understand and respect the French ideal of giving store owners time to rest, everything closing at 7:30pm and ceasing to exist at all on Sundays did get rather annoying at times. Like 8:30pm on a Friday night and you realize you’ve run out of booze milk and can’t make macaroni and cheese. 24/7 supermarkets are a little insane, but they can be quite nice to have around every once in a while.
• Elderly roommates. Don’t get me wrong, I love René from the bottom of my heart and I am eternally grateful for everything he has done for me, but sometimes living with an obsessive compulsive 70 year old Frenchman was a little frustrating. He is an amazing person, but twenty-somethings and seventy-somethings don’t always see eye to eye. If I had to do it all over again, I would definitely still chose to live at 9 rue Chateaubriand, but I’m not planning on rooming with any other senior citizens in the near future.
• Smoke. I’ve never been one to hate on smokers, but oh my gawd do Europeans know how to suck down a pack of cigarettes. I’m all about letting people do what they want, but it’s nice to be back in a place where you have to step outside to take a puff.
• French t.v./radio. It’s awful. They tend to take all of the bad parts of American television and music and leave out all of the good parts. It’s amazing how few true French t.v. shows, movies and musicians actually exist.

I’m sure there are other things I should/could/would like to add to these lists, but my brain is feeling drained. I’ve been working on these lists on and off for nearly 12 hours now, and I can think no more. The lists may change slightly over the next few days if anything else pops into my head, but that’s all she wrote for now. Thanks for reading y’all. It’s been real. A million and one bisous to everyone who’s kept up with my European exploits over the past eight months, and a million and one bisous even to those who haven’t. I love you all to Europe and back.

xoxoxo Stephen

Dark Blue/Grey

************************************************************************************************

I’m not sure what my problem is today, but I for the life of me cannot finish the simple task of packing my one tiny little suitcase for my Eastern European adventure. I washed and folded all of my clothes earlier this week. I neatly arranged all of my options on my bed between classes this morning. So why can’t I just pick out what I want and put it in that damn purple bag?! One of my main hang ups seems to be choosing between my dark blue and my light grey jeans. This is probably the dumbest problem anyone has ever had. It seems to be symbolic of my life: easy and comfortable but often made “difficult” by trivial choices that I often overanalyze. My indecisiveness is clearly one of my more attractive qualities.

It’s also probably somewhat the result of my current “limbo” state of being. Not knowing when I’ll be heading home. Not knowing if I’ll be hired for the most amazing summer job of my life. Having absolutely no backup to said wonderful summer job. Having no future projections past said wonderful summer job. Feeling so unbelievably ready to be done with teaching and return to Minnesota/feeling an overwhelming surge of jealousy at the sight of five friends posting joyful facebook statuses of their acceptance as teaching assistants for the fall. Wanting to go out and enjoy the last Friday before vacation/wanting to stay in to shake off the lasting dregs of yet another cold. Flurgh. Boy needs to get it together.

On a much happier note… I’M GOING TO POLAND TOMORROW AND I COULD NOT BE MORE JAZZED! My friend Victoria and I have planned a stellar tour of Poland, the Czech Republic, and Hungary, mostly with the intent to make headlines by running all of Eastern Europe into a terrible food crisis by eating anything and everything they have to offer. Watch out Slavs – one dynamic digestion duo is coming for your provisions. As Tina Fey so aptly described Slavic food in her book Bossypants (which I highly recommend you read/listen to on audiobook) “… it’s buttery and delicious. It’s just potatoes, rice, meat, and cabbage in an endless series of combinations.” I fully intend to eat my entire body weight in pierogi. Every night. This may actually be possible since Eastern European currency is worth approximately nothing compared to the Euro. It’s going to be fabulously gluttonous, and I can’t wait!

Because of this wonderful 13 day voyage, I probably won’t be posting anything new until I get back. At that point, be ready for me to lay it on thick. Like Polish butter thick. Or thin if all we end up doing is eating and I have nothing else to describe but the appetizing confections I have consumed. Since I’ll be missing two photo sundays, I’m going to get a head start and show you what I’ve been up to over the past five days (I had to retype that 4 times to keep myself from saying “fast pive days”). It hasn’t been a whole lot since I caught myself  a lovely cold on Sunday and have been pretty bummed about the fact that Alex had to head home to Germany on Wednesday… That being said, here are some pix for your viewing displeasure:

Day 19: sick and sleepy

Day 20: sickness continued. my ever so lovely tonsils.

Day 21: Alex left today. The house feels rather empty without her here. Bisous ma chérie!

Day 22: Day trip to Binic. Taken with the assistance of Kate P!

Day 23: sunny afternoon spent reading "Le Neveu Du Magicien" by C.S. Lewis in my favorite reading tree

Must go to sleep now! Travel day tomorrow! Bisous xoxoxoxoxoxo

P.S. For those of your concerned, I decided on the dark blue over the grey.

How Stephen Got His Groove Back

Well shit. Looks like another month has come and gone without much notice, and without much commentary on my behalf. I’d like to say that I barely wrote anything during the second half of January because I was out and about, busy beyond belief without a second to spare and never on the internet, but that would be a blatant lie. The truth is quite the opposite to be perfectly honest. As I mentioned before, I had gotten myself into a bit of a mid-year slump after the holidays, and though I tried to pull myself out of it as quickly as possible, these things take some time. Cooking and baking and blogging have all been helpful tools, but being stuck in Saint-Brieuc for the the entire month of January was a bit of a road block. When I wasn’t preoccupied with the oven, I found myself in my room watching things like Downton Abbey (which, by the way, is an amazing show that I highly recommend watching if you haven’t yet) and eating more than my fair share of desserts. I was far from being clinically depressed, but was still highly unmotivated thanks to a bout cold weather, the unglamorous ‘city’ of Saint-Brieuc, and an ever impending sense of doom looming over my undecided future. Dramatic much? Oui.

Luckily, February has thus far been a breath of fresh air and the rest of the month is full of promise. Out of nowhere, there seems to be so much to do and see! Being too busy to write has become a legitimate excuse over the past week, and the fun of February isn’t even half over! With a road trip to Normandy and a pseudo-weekend in Rennes already under my belt, I still have a week long trip to Picardie followed by an Italian tour to look forward to! My mind has been a little all over the place lately trying to keep the travel plans straight for all four of these trips, but it’s kept me busy and anxious in an excited way. Places to go! People to see! Much better than brooding in my bed. Who ever would’ve thought February could be so grand?

As I headed out to Normandy this past weekend in a nine person “mini-bus” with my Franco-American crew, I couldn’t help but recall another voyage made not so long ago. Last January during interim break, I headed South with my friends Sarah, Clara, Ann, and Laurel for an Arkansan adventure that I’ll never forget. The week we spent in Conway was by far one of the most hilarious and enjoyable times of my conscious life, both extremely exciting and incredibly relaxing. Being in warm weather, going on mountainous walks, singing show tunes at the dinner table, drinking $1.99 margarita’s at JJ’s, giving into/falling in love with country music, cave diving, curling up on couches, learning about places like Pickle’s Gap and Toad Suck, baking buttloads of cookies and decorating a staggering number of Valentine’s Day cards made for a welcome recess from freezing/studying our asses off at Olaf. Breaking routine, visiting somewhere new, and being surrounded by wonderful people gave everything a new light. There was a sense of comfort and openness with my friends after being together day and night for the entirety of break. It’s so easy to get caught up in the stresses of life, but weeks like that help you notice how happy things can be when you let go and have some uninhibited fun. #clichécentralbutwhateveritstrue #ewijustusedahashtag

The beginning of something beautiful

happy beings behind falsely angry façades

hot potatoes make the world go round and cause awkward photographic reactions

The MOST Valentine's Arkansas has ever seen

The weekend at my friend Leslie’s in Normandy essentially served the same revitalizing purpose as the week in Arkansas but in a much more urgently-needed and heightened sense. Getting the heck out of St-B. and letting things loose in the country shook things up and made me giddy. Making homemade pizza in a giant brick oven, sipping on cidre and wine, cuddling with an adorable dog, seeing the tragically beautiful beaches of Normandy, visiting the epic tapestry of Bayeux, gathering around a raclette, wandering around the countryside, playing charades and trivial pursuit, watching the Superbowl (for the sake of Madonna), getting snowed-in and missing a full day of work (snow days do still exist!), and marveling at Le Mont Saint-Michel made for a memorable weekend that has given me a firm shove out of my previous slump status. My life is nuts, in a good way. I’m sending out a MILLION thanks to Leslie and Allie for making this weekend happen! You two are the bomb.

Kate presenting Leslie's cozy little home

HOMEMADE PIZZA

Raclette Dinner chez Leslie

Le Mont St-Michel

Even though the characters and settings of my life continue to change, there are certain things that remain true:

• traveling with someone is one of the best ways to really get to know them
• cold weather is relative
• snow days are always the best days
• road trips are always the best trips
• food brings people together, namely potatoes
• charades requires more skill than you think
• sleeping between two people is starts out as a wonderful idea until you become a fiery hot mess
• 90s jams alway make the perfect car ride soundtrack

My upgraded emotional status stuck with me throughout this week as more classes were canceled (making this a four-day-work-MONTH) and as I headed to Rennes on Tuesday afternoon for a mid-week weekend. Our last-minute-guest-conductor-turned-new-found-friend from last year’s orchestra tour, Tito Munoz, was in town directing Bejamin Britten’s opera,  The Turn of the Screw. I got to see the show with my resident Rennes friends (Mary Claire, Berit, and most recently relocated Steph!), and got a chance to hang out/catch up with Tito after the show which was great! Talking about last year’s tour made me freshly miss orchestra, but there was a welcomed sense of nostalgia and plenty of other things to talk about to keep us from focusing too heavily on the past. My days off gave me plenty of time to get in some good one-on-one time with Steph and Berit as well, nicely rounding off my time in Rennes.

So that’s more or less where my life is at. There’s still plenty to worry about (and a mouthful of canker sores to prove it), with my sister out of commission thanks to her gallbladder, open-ended travel plans, unplanned lessons to teach, and my future continuing to be 100% uncertain, but present life is pretty good with trips on either side of me. My chin is up, and I’m ready for more fun. Come and join my party! Catch ya on the other side of Italy!

Bisous bisous xoxo

Turning Tables

Yesterday was my first day visiting classes and introducing myself at Lycée Ernest Renan, and let me tell you, being at the head of the classroom has been a crazy experience so far. After a 17 year career as a student, it’s kind of bizarre to be on the other side of things. Granted, I’m working as an “assistant,” but when I’m in the high school, I’m essentially given the same privileges and respect (or lack there of?) that every other school employee receives. I have keys to unlock classrooms, an attendance log, access to the teachers’ lounge, and even my very own P.O. box! Teachers have suddenly transformed from superiors to peers. Students look to me for information and help with their school work. Exciting, yet strange, stuff.

The first class that I visited was a group of 16 girls, ranging from the ages of 19 to 24. They are part of the BTS (brevet de technicien supérieur)  program at the school, which is somewhat similar to going to vo-tech school in the states. Instead of going to a university, they have opted for practical training in a wide variety of fields. This particular bunch is planning on going into health services, working as nurses, technicians, etc. Very polite, nice girls, but trying to get them to speak was like pulling teeth. When the floor was open to ask me questions…nothing. I felt kind of terrible standing there in front of their blank faces. Had I done something to frighten them in my introduction? Or maybe they were legitimately uninterested in my life? My dimples and plaid shirts seem to instill fear in the French, rendering them unable to speak a word of English in my presence.

I felt a little better after class when their teacher, Agnès, explained to me that they are incredibly self-conscious about their English. They don’t like to speak unless they are 100% sure that what they are saying is correct. If only I had been allowed to speak French, they would’ve seen that I make mistakes left and right. Oh well. I have faith that things will get better once they warm up to me. Just gotta work that world-famous Minnesota charm.

Class number two evolved into a sort of, “Bring your American to work day” situation. Up on a pedestal, displayed for the French to gawk at. Okay. Maybe I’m exaggerating a little bit. It was mostly what I was expecting to happen on the first day anyway. This group was actually quite nice once they opened up a bit and started feeling more comfortable around me. I was surprised, however, at the end of class when I heard two girls complaining about how they felt like they were the ones on display for me. After being poked and prodded by their teacher to show off their level of English, they felt like animals at a zoo! All comes down to perspective I guess.

After lunch in the cafeteria (which, surprisingly enough, happened to be nothing like that of St. Olaf), I made my way to a class of secondes (French equivalent of American sophomores). Even though everyone had assured me throughout the day that these would be the worst students, it turned out to be my favorite part of the day. They had been working on “getting to know you” questions, so the teacher split them up into groups of three and had me go around to talk with each group. Mistakes were made, but overall their English was better than a lot of the older students. Wonderful kids. My heart melted when a girl told me she loved foreign languages and that she wanted to become and English teacher. She also told me that she loved America, even though she had never been there. Adorable.

The same affection for my homeland was not to be found in my last class of the day, a somewhat rowdy group of terminale (senior) students. After working on a unit about the American Dream and immigration, many of them had no desire to visit the states. French people apparently believe that Americans are paranoid and hate immigrants. It made me think a bit. While it’s certainly not the case for me and the people I surround myself with, I can unfortunately see how somewhat might get that impression. They were also surprised that I spoke French since Americans also seem to have a bad reputation when it comes to foreign relations. Slightly embarrassed by these stereotypes. Hopefully I can brighten their perception of our country? Again, counting on my Minnesotan charm. I will also have to work on speaking A LOT slower. All of the English teachers here learn/teach British English, so my quick lips and American accent seemed to really the kids for a loop. My bad.

I realize after skimming over what I wrote that this post may come off more negatively than I had originally anticipated, so I hope it isn’t taken that way. Overall, it was a really great day and I honestly can’t wait for more! A wonderful, exciting, and humbling experience that enlightened my view of teaching. I’ve always admired those who devote their lives to teaching, but my respect for these individuals has been greatly amplified after yesterday. So thanks to all the teachers, both at school and in my everyday life, who have helped me along the way. Never knew I’d be here, but really happy for this chance to look at things from the other side of the table.