Lost and Found

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It’s happened again. I’ve fallen behind. Ridiculously behind. I visited my wonderful friend, Kristina, in Serbia, my beloved old roomie, Alex, in Germany, volunteered on a farm with a fabulous family in Ireland, and traveled half way around the world back to Minnesota [Surprise! I’m home for those of you who didn’t know!], and yet, I wrote about none of it. Sorry. I’ve been home for over a week, have remained unemployed, rarely left the house, and still haven’t updated the world wide web… Whoops. Remember when I used to have exciting excuses for not writing? Like being on a midnight train to Austria? Or prancing around Eastern Europe with my friend Victoria? These days, I’ve been avoiding writing for much less thrilling and much more depressing reasons – most notably, depression. Reverse culture shock, an overwhelming excess of free time, and the realization that I currently have no excuse to flee American society have brought me down. I’m jazzed about being back with my family and friends, but readjusting is taking some time. Please bare with me and my over dramatic writing. I’m making things out to be much worse than they really are. I’ll settle back in soon enough, I’m sure.

I’ve thought about writing everyday since I’ve been home, but I’ve had a hard time wrapping my head around it. It almost feels like if I write this post, it will officially be over. No more flights. No new countries. Friends scattered. Pictures uploaded. French bank account closed. Calls being directed towards an American phone. My blog is the last bit of the year that remains. I realize how silly it sounds, but that’s where I’m at right now. Instead of letting these things continue to drag me down, though, I decided it was time to write one last post to get my shit together, stop being a whiney pants, process my thoughts, and reflect on the year. I need to stop complaining about it being over, and start smiling because it happened. I also couldn’t just leave my faithful followers (all 16 of you) hanging like that! So here are some lists of things lost, found, learned, etc. to sum things up a bit, because who doesn’t love some youthful half-baked wisdom in list form?

Things realized/learned:

• Paris is the best. Really. I know it’s lame and cliché, but: Paris, je t’aime. Even after visiting Austria, Italy, Poland, The Czech Republic, Hungary, Serbia, Germany and Ireland, each with numerous amazing cities, Paris still remains at the top of my list. No matter how many times I’ve been there, I always find something new to see or do. It has a beauty, a vibrance, and an ambiance that has yet to be matched in my eyes.
• I’m an introvert at heart. Most of you are probably thinking, “Um… duh?” while others might be surprised. It probably depends on how long you’ve known me. My desire to be liked can bring out my sociable side making me seem outgoing and extroverted at first glance, but I’ve realized this year that I’m much more comfortable in small groups. I love interacting with people, but I’m also content spending time alone. Some long talks with Victoria helped me come around to accepting this about myself.
• Everything is bigger in America. I’ve always known this, but everything has been magnified after being away for so long. Cars. Roads. Houses. Food. Washing machines. Water glasses [pointed out by Kate]. People. The size doesn’t really bother me as much as the waste. If you want to indulge every once in awhile, great, but be aware of your consumption. I don’t want to get all preachy and tell everyone off for killing the world, but I’m pretty sick of our consumer-centric society right now.
• Meat is not for me. I broke my four and a half year streak of vegetarianism a handful of times during my travels, but I’ve decided that being meat-free wasn’t just a weird phase I went through in college. It’s something that I want to continue to live by, and I hope to encourage others to join me! It can be a little tricky in certain situations, but I feel both physically and ethically better without mammals in my body.
• Too much free time is just as bad as not having enough. I constantly used to wish for a day off when I was at Olaf, swamped with eight classes a semester, papers, exams, rehearsals, social obligations, etc., etc., but after seven months of 12 (often 7 or 8) hour work weeks and ridiculously long (and frequent) vacations, I long for the opposite. It seems to be a “grass is greener” situation. I want to be busy! Well, I want to be balanced. I work well with a lot on my plate, but not an overflowing buffet of stress. Something to work on.
• Kids are cool. Spending time with Monique’s granddaughter (5 year old Hélena), and the two little ones on the farm in Ireland (4 year old Archer and 1.5 year old Tallulah) made me realize how much I love children. The way they think and act without all of the weird social hang ups that adults have is fantastic. Not that it’s going to happen anywhere in my near future, but hanging out with these kids made me realize that maaaybe one day I’ll want to adopt my own. Maybe.
• How to ask for help. I’ve always been a very proud person, trying to do find my own way or do things without the help of others, but I realized how much easier things can be if you simply ask for directions or a helping hand. People will sometimes surprise you and offer up help even when you don’t ask for it, and it is wonderful! Like the man who saw Victoria and me looking confused in Budapest and quickly ran up to help us find our way. Or the man in Ireland who pulled over and informed me that I was trying to hitch a ride on the wrong road.
• Genuinely good people do exist. I’ve met some. American assistants, couchsurfing hosts, French friends, Irish hitchhiker hosts, just to name a few. I have some faith in humanity.

Things lost:

• Some of my obnoxious inhibitions. Like my fear of talking on the phone. I realize most people got over this when they were six, but it took me a bit longer. After making numerous calls in French this year, talking on the phone in English now seems like such a breeze. I’m even learning to enjoy it. Weird. Explaining how I want my haircut? Did it in French, no problemo. Communication skills are up!
• My yearning for approval. As much as I hate to admit it, for a large part of my life I always sought the approval of those around me, often compromising my thoughts or opinions to remain neutral and liked by everyone. I still try to be diplomatic, but I’m tired of trying to please everyone. It’s exhausting to try and make everyone like you all the time, and quite frankly, there are some people’s opinions that I could care less about. I’m happy with who I am, and my thoughts are just as good as anyone else’s. As Dr. Seuss once said,“Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don’t matter, and those who matter don’t mind.”
• 35 pounds. How this happened, I have absolutely no idea. Ask anyone who was with me, and they will tell you that I was constantly eating my entire body weight in local cuisine and cookies. I guess walking everywhere (including to the grocery store) and not having access to an insane buffet spread everyday will have an effect on your waistline.
• Hair. Some voluntarily via trendy euro haircut, some reluctantly via male pattern baldness. With bad hair genes running rampant on both sides of my family, I’ve been fearing hair loss since I hit puberty so this is by no means a shocking upset. I’ve always cherished my hair as one of my more attractive features, so it’s been rather disheartening to see how thin my bangs have become, but I’m dealing with it and enjoying my hair while it’s still around. Anyone know of any good natural hair loss prevention techniques?
• 15+ kilos of clothing. I realized at the end of the year that I owned way too many things that I just never wore, so I donated the equivalent of an entire suitcase of clothing. My luggage was of course still super heavy, but it felt good to clear out some of the excess. I managed with one 9 kilo backpack from May 5th to June 8th, so what the heck have I been doing with all of this other stuff my whole life? Traveling light is the way to go. I’m continuing the excess purge by donating yet another giant bag of unworn clothes that I found in my bedroom this week.
• A desire to teach. Teaching isn’t really my jam. At least not with French high school kids. I had some good times with my kids, but the fun tended to be a little over shadowed by the anxiety and stress of planning lessons. I haven’t entirely dismissed education as a job option, but it’s not at the top of my career aspirations list.

Things found:

• A voice through writing. I’m not always the best for engaging conversation topics or the most articulate in front of a crowded room, but I think I’m pretty decent with a pen and paper (or a screen and keyboard if you will). Writing gives me time to reflect and plan out my word choice just so to properly express myself. It can be a little meticulous and frustrating at times, but I’m so happy I took the time to write down my thoughts throughout the year. I hope my writing has helped my readers to gain a better understanding of me and the way I think. People seem to dig it, and I dig doing it, so maybe the writing will continue!
• Confidence. See [Lost:] “Some of my inhibitions” and “My yearning for approval” above.
• Friends. This was obviously inevitable, but I didn’t realize how meaningful some of my relationships abroad would end up being to me. The first time I met all of the other assistants at our teacher orientation, I was a total B and thought I would never get along with anyone. I couldn’t have been more wrong. I met some absolutely fabulous people in Saint-Brieuc, and looking back I can’t imagine my year without them.
• Food. I’ve learned some delicious recipes and cooking tips over the past 8 months, and I want to share them with all of you! So come get in the kitchen with me and we’ll make something together! Maybe I’ll even start a food blog. Or become a pastry chef. Thoughts?
• A beard. See: flickr account.
• Frequent flyer miles. Just kidding. If only Ryanair and SNCF had miles programs. And existed in the states. I would be all up on that.
• An immense respect for teachers. I’ve always regarded teaching as a noble profession, but after planning lessons and standing in front of a group of hormonal, self-absorbed, uninterested teenagers, I see teachers in an entirely different light. Good luck to all of my friends who are pursuing k-12 education, and thank you to everyone who put up with my (and mostly my fellow classmates’) teenage antics.
• Myself. See: all of the above. I’m constantly learning more about myself and realizing how much I am always changing, but being away helped me gain a sense of self-awareness that I never had before.

Things I miss about France/Europe:

• Sounds. Sights. Smells. Tastes. Being surrounded by Francophones. Charlie’s meow. Church bells marking the hour. The odd tritone used for emergency vehicle alarms. Market days. Galettes. Café terraces with 1€ espressos. Intricate architecture. Monuments all over the place. Striking landscapes. The sea. Bakeries. The cheese aisle at U Express. Our sunny yellow kitchen. Rainy/sunny/rainy/sunny/rainy days and the rainbows and sunsets they produce. Cheap wine that doesn’t taste like vinegar. Salted butter.
• Fresh baguettes. There is an amazing bakery on every street in France. There is approximately one amazing bakery per State. One of my life goals is to perfect the baking of une baguette de tradition. Once you’ve eaten french bread, there’s no going back.
• Public transport. The facility of navigating European cities puts metro transit to shame. Cars aren’t obligatory like they are stateside, partially because everything is much closer, but mostly because bus, train and metro systems are so much more efficient over seas! Also, I am a terrible driver highly dislike driving, so I’m all about public transport.  It makes so much more sense both economically and ecologically to share rides, but America can’t seem to get behind that. I’ll never understand why not.
• Global mentality and open minds.  In comparison with the French, Americans are incredibly self-centered and close-minded. I’m making a sweeping generalization here, obviously, but on the whole it seems to be true. We rarely focus on world news, and half of us couldn’t tell the difference between Iraq and Iran. Conservative Republicans don’t exist en masse and people are always fighting for change. I have some faith left in the progressive minds of my generation, especially in places like Minnesota, but other parts of the country worry me a bit. As long as Mitt Romney stays out of the white house, I think I’ll be okay.

Things I will be fine without:

• Restrictive hours. While I understand and respect the French ideal of giving store owners time to rest, everything closing at 7:30pm and ceasing to exist at all on Sundays did get rather annoying at times. Like 8:30pm on a Friday night and you realize you’ve run out of booze milk and can’t make macaroni and cheese. 24/7 supermarkets are a little insane, but they can be quite nice to have around every once in a while.
• Elderly roommates. Don’t get me wrong, I love René from the bottom of my heart and I am eternally grateful for everything he has done for me, but sometimes living with an obsessive compulsive 70 year old Frenchman was a little frustrating. He is an amazing person, but twenty-somethings and seventy-somethings don’t always see eye to eye. If I had to do it all over again, I would definitely still chose to live at 9 rue Chateaubriand, but I’m not planning on rooming with any other senior citizens in the near future.
• Smoke. I’ve never been one to hate on smokers, but oh my gawd do Europeans know how to suck down a pack of cigarettes. I’m all about letting people do what they want, but it’s nice to be back in a place where you have to step outside to take a puff.
• French t.v./radio. It’s awful. They tend to take all of the bad parts of American television and music and leave out all of the good parts. It’s amazing how few true French t.v. shows, movies and musicians actually exist.

I’m sure there are other things I should/could/would like to add to these lists, but my brain is feeling drained. I’ve been working on these lists on and off for nearly 12 hours now, and I can think no more. The lists may change slightly over the next few days if anything else pops into my head, but that’s all she wrote for now. Thanks for reading y’all. It’s been real. A million and one bisous to everyone who’s kept up with my European exploits over the past eight months, and a million and one bisous even to those who haven’t. I love you all to Europe and back.

xoxoxo Stephen

Mid-Winter Slump

For the past week or so, I’ve been wanting to add a new post to keep up with a resolution to write more. The problem is, nothing blog worthy has really happened as of late, leaving me with a lack of words, and a longing for something to happen. I’ve been hesitant to write, worrying that anything would be dull in comparison to my Austrian adventures. Seems likely that this may well be the case. But in recent days, I’ve come to terms with this humdrum reality and thought I would take this chance to be honest with myself about my state of being by being honest will all of you. I’m constantly inspired by the unabashed sincerity in my dear friend Clara’s blog, and I feel like it’s time to open up and take a little break from my sugar coated tales of European life.

You see, I’ve hit a bit of a mid-winter slump. The term “mid-winter” seems somewhat inappropriate since the temperature hasn’t been below 45° F all week, but it is mid-January after all. I guess it’s more of a mid-year slump, really. So I present you with a series of whiney unreasonable complaints causes for said slumpiness:

The holidays are over, and the lights have been taken down leaving the streets of Saint-Brieuc drab and lifeless. The infamous French “soldes” (January sales) have begun, which would normally be cause for celebration, but I’m broke from my extravagant Christmas which makes the sales depressing instead of joyous. I work less in a month than most people work in a week, but the few hours that I’m actually teaching tend to be supplemented by many more hours of stress outside of school spent worrying over lesson plans and how my kids will be behave. I want to bake, but I stop myself out of fear of gaining more butter weight. Lord knows I already consume more than a reasonable number of calories in wine and beer since the other assistants and I lack originality in our methods of entertainment. I have intentions of being productive with my excessive free time, but the rainy weather blurs the days together and tires me out so that the only “productive” things I end up doing are finishing seasons of T.V. shows, eating, and putting my dirty clothes in the hamper (but not actually washing them). And while I’ve met wonderful people here, it still doesn’t make up for the fact that I miss everyone stateside. It also doesn’t excuse the fact that I’ve been pretty damn awful at keeping in touch with many of you, another resolution that  needs resolving.

I do indeed love France, but its charm has faded a bit, and the novelty of being here has begun to dissipate. I by no means want to idly wish away the rest of my time here, but rather I want to find ways to profit from the quickly disappearing months that still rest. I want to find a presence in this present, thanks again to Clara. When my visa runs out in six months, I want to look back at my time here knowing that I didn’t waste it. I’ve already had some life changing experiences, and I want them to keep on coming. This slump needs to end, and I need to get back to living and experiencing things with fresh and excited eyes.

One of the biggest obstacles that’s been keeping me from being alive in the present is my lack of foresight. One of my most important New Year’s resolutions was to figure out what I’ll be doing when teaching is up, but I’ve yet to bring this goal to fruition. I don’t intend to figure out a life plan or anything, but it would put my mind at ease if I at least figured out the next step. When I started work, the end of my contract seemed so far ahead that I didn’t dare think about my next move. Truth is, April 30th is approaching faster than I’d care to admit to myself. Renewing my teaching contract is a tempting option, but I’ve been trying to weigh out the pros and cons of this theoretical situation. On the plus side, I’d love to stay here, I could keep working on my French, the hours are great, the pay is decent considering the workload, I wouldn’t have to look for work elsewhere, and I could keep traveling. On the other hand, I would have to wait until May or later to find out if there’s a position for me, I would probably have to find some crap job to fill the three or four month gap between teaching contracts, I could be placed in a shitty school in a tiny town, I hate how stressed out I get about teaching, I miss my friends and family, and I would more or less just be putting off finding an actual job and/or continuing my education… Hmm. Decisions. I’m not the best at them. I guess I need to figure out what some other possible options before I decide anything, though. Let me know if you’ve got any thoughts, dear readers!

Well it’s getting late here in Franceland, and I have to get up before the sun tomorrow… Bed time for me!

Bisous

Turning Tables

Yesterday was my first day visiting classes and introducing myself at Lycée Ernest Renan, and let me tell you, being at the head of the classroom has been a crazy experience so far. After a 17 year career as a student, it’s kind of bizarre to be on the other side of things. Granted, I’m working as an “assistant,” but when I’m in the high school, I’m essentially given the same privileges and respect (or lack there of?) that every other school employee receives. I have keys to unlock classrooms, an attendance log, access to the teachers’ lounge, and even my very own P.O. box! Teachers have suddenly transformed from superiors to peers. Students look to me for information and help with their school work. Exciting, yet strange, stuff.

The first class that I visited was a group of 16 girls, ranging from the ages of 19 to 24. They are part of the BTS (brevet de technicien supérieur)  program at the school, which is somewhat similar to going to vo-tech school in the states. Instead of going to a university, they have opted for practical training in a wide variety of fields. This particular bunch is planning on going into health services, working as nurses, technicians, etc. Very polite, nice girls, but trying to get them to speak was like pulling teeth. When the floor was open to ask me questions…nothing. I felt kind of terrible standing there in front of their blank faces. Had I done something to frighten them in my introduction? Or maybe they were legitimately uninterested in my life? My dimples and plaid shirts seem to instill fear in the French, rendering them unable to speak a word of English in my presence.

I felt a little better after class when their teacher, Agnès, explained to me that they are incredibly self-conscious about their English. They don’t like to speak unless they are 100% sure that what they are saying is correct. If only I had been allowed to speak French, they would’ve seen that I make mistakes left and right. Oh well. I have faith that things will get better once they warm up to me. Just gotta work that world-famous Minnesota charm.

Class number two evolved into a sort of, “Bring your American to work day” situation. Up on a pedestal, displayed for the French to gawk at. Okay. Maybe I’m exaggerating a little bit. It was mostly what I was expecting to happen on the first day anyway. This group was actually quite nice once they opened up a bit and started feeling more comfortable around me. I was surprised, however, at the end of class when I heard two girls complaining about how they felt like they were the ones on display for me. After being poked and prodded by their teacher to show off their level of English, they felt like animals at a zoo! All comes down to perspective I guess.

After lunch in the cafeteria (which, surprisingly enough, happened to be nothing like that of St. Olaf), I made my way to a class of secondes (French equivalent of American sophomores). Even though everyone had assured me throughout the day that these would be the worst students, it turned out to be my favorite part of the day. They had been working on “getting to know you” questions, so the teacher split them up into groups of three and had me go around to talk with each group. Mistakes were made, but overall their English was better than a lot of the older students. Wonderful kids. My heart melted when a girl told me she loved foreign languages and that she wanted to become and English teacher. She also told me that she loved America, even though she had never been there. Adorable.

The same affection for my homeland was not to be found in my last class of the day, a somewhat rowdy group of terminale (senior) students. After working on a unit about the American Dream and immigration, many of them had no desire to visit the states. French people apparently believe that Americans are paranoid and hate immigrants. It made me think a bit. While it’s certainly not the case for me and the people I surround myself with, I can unfortunately see how somewhat might get that impression. They were also surprised that I spoke French since Americans also seem to have a bad reputation when it comes to foreign relations. Slightly embarrassed by these stereotypes. Hopefully I can brighten their perception of our country? Again, counting on my Minnesotan charm. I will also have to work on speaking A LOT slower. All of the English teachers here learn/teach British English, so my quick lips and American accent seemed to really the kids for a loop. My bad.

I realize after skimming over what I wrote that this post may come off more negatively than I had originally anticipated, so I hope it isn’t taken that way. Overall, it was a really great day and I honestly can’t wait for more! A wonderful, exciting, and humbling experience that enlightened my view of teaching. I’ve always admired those who devote their lives to teaching, but my respect for these individuals has been greatly amplified after yesterday. So thanks to all the teachers, both at school and in my everyday life, who have helped me along the way. Never knew I’d be here, but really happy for this chance to look at things from the other side of the table.

Rabbits, chickens, and sheep… Oh my!

In a last minute effort to bulk up my French vocab before leaving, I decided to check out a couple of books on idioms and slang from the library a few weeks ago. This has proved to be not only helpful, but also hilarious. Learning slang and idiomatic phrases can be a tricky  task for two reasons: 1) These things are typically not a main focus in language classes; and 2) They usually make no sense.  Even though everyday English is loaded with ridiculous idioms, they are easily forgotten by a native speaker. They lack the novelty and charm that I find in French. So here’s a short list of some of my fave phrases that I’ve collected thus far:

Revenons à nos moutons : Used to redirect a conversation back to the main point, this useful phrase literally means, “Let’s get back to our sheep.” A favorite of Mme Barjasteh, used after class discussions of French literature had gone awry. Innocent sheep, like Ellen and I, were constantly being led astray in class by la perversité of Mary. Origins? A helpful reminder to finish shearing your half naked sheep.

brb bb!

Poser un lapin à quelqu’un : Forced into a rendez-vous with someone you don’t like? Don’t stand them up (an English phrase that also makes no sense…)! Plant a rabbit on them à la Française!  I was intrigued by this one enough to put my college level research skills to the test. According to my highly credible google search, the word “rabbit” in French has long been associated with free loading, or exploiting services without repayment. This phrase apparently dates back to the 1880s – “poser un lapin” meant to have your way with a girl of easy virtue (aka a prostitute) and then leave without paying. Harsh.

Let's be honest, who wouldn't ditch this skank?

Avoir d’autres chats à fouetter : Cat lovers be warned. When the French have better things to do, they whip cats instead of frying fish.

Animal abuse? Not okay.

Quand les poules auront les dents : Lit., when chickens have teeth. A much scarier (and possibly more likely?) version of “when pigs fly.”

nom nom nom

Prendre la lune avec les dents : I’m pretty sure this was stolen from Sesame Street. Cookie Monster was always trying to do the impossible and “take the moon with his teeth.”

Clearly, not impossible.

Avoir le cafard : In France, depressed people don’t have the blues, they have a cockroach. I would be sad too if I had a cockroach. No picture here. Cockroaches make me wanna vom.

Il neige tellement qu’on se croirait dans le nez de Kate Moss : Useful for Minnesotans – It’s snowing so much, it’s like we’re in Kate Moss’s nose! Enough said. Thanks Nico 🙂

avalaaanche

Sooo many more to be learned, but that’s all for now. One week ’til Paris!